


things

by illuchan



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Family Dynamics, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Introspection, Minor Character Death, Zoldyck Family Dynamics, first fic :0, idk what to tag its just me being emo over illumi Lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:28:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26993689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/illuchan/pseuds/illuchan
Summary: illumi zoldyck wasn't allowed to have things.
Relationships: Hisoka & Illumi Zoldyck, Illumi Zoldyck & Kikyou Zoldyck, Illumi Zoldyck & Killua Zoldyck, Illumi Zoldyck & Silva Zoldyck
Comments: 2
Kudos: 88





	things

**Author's Note:**

> hi this is my first fic like.. ever.. i made a ao3 acct just to post this... anyways enjoy my 2:30 am illumi drabble that turned into this...

illumi zoldyck wasn't allowed to have things. 

as a child, illumi had few toys which he treasured, but those were passed on to milluki when he was born. 

it was fine though, material possessions weren't necessary for the life of an assassin. illumi knew he wasn't allowed to have things; it had been instilled in his brain from a young age, and at this point it was simply a fact of life. there was no arguing. it was logic. the life of an assassin was brutal and left no room to take care of anything or anyone else.

having attachments to this world only makes for pointless emotions that would hold the zoldycks back in the long run. it was best if illumi wanted for nothing.

illumi zoldyck had a pet once. 

a small black cat that had somehow snuck past mike and made it into the estate. he found it laying in the pile of freshly overturned dirt where his favorite hidden spot for digging holes was. he was extracting his nails to help him dig into the earth when he noticed the dark eyes staring back at him. 

the eyes were a mirror image of his own, jet black and devoid of most human emotion, but a small lingering glint of something was left in them. illumi took a liking to the cat, and would sneak it the occasional unpoisoned milk and fish from meals inside the mansion. when training was particularly rough, or the new baby was yelling particularly loud, illumi would sneak out and sit with the cat for hours, just enjoying the quiet of kukuroo mountain and the soft fur of his cat. no one else knew about his secret, the only attachment he was allowed to have since his first stuffed animal as a baby. enjoying something all to himself was new and exciting, but something told illumi it would have to come to an end.

and come to an end it did. 

he was hiding, petting the cat, as he often was these days, when kikyo came searching for him. illumi heard her voice and footsteps approaching, and stood to greet her, cat still in his arms. 

"hello, mother. did you need me for something?" he questioned. 

"illumi!" she shrieked, though that wasn't a rare thing. "what is that you're holding?" 

"a cat, mother. my pet," he replied, his voice eerily calm for a child being scolded by their mother.

"but illu, dear," kikyo trailed off, her left hand raising to hold illumi's face. "we have mike! what other pet do you need? this cat can't fight or defend the family, so we have no need for it. please get rid of it, illumi,"

but it's soft, he thought to himself. and warm. and i can hold it in my lap and it makes me feel peaceful. and it's mine. but illumi wouldn't dare say any of that out loud. he simply murmured a "yes mother," and moved to sit the cat down. 

"ah ah illumi. get rid of it, i said," 

illumi's heart began to race, and he could feel emotion creeping slowly through his body. the tight feeling started in his chest and expanded until the top of his head felt like it was a balloon ready to pop. 

"get.. rid of it?" he questioned softly. get rid of the one thing he had possession over? get rid of the one thing that brought him comfort? was it really that simple? as he went through the motions he's done a hundred times in training, something felt different this time. 

he didn't realize it until after kikyo had patted him on the head for a job well done and walked away, but his face was wet. 

illumi cried after taking a life for the first time that day. 

illumi zoldyck had a friend once. 

a butler around his age, who's name he can't be bothered to remember at this point in his life. (it may be less of a "can't remember" and more of a "doesn't want to remember,” as it isn't illumi's fondest memory.) 

he hadn't known anyone his age before, aside from the occasional child he saw on missions, and he certainly had never known anyone as kind as this butler. they brought him his meals when he was too exhausted from training to make his way to the dining room, and they took care of him on the rare occasion that he became ill. as weeks turned into months and into nearly a year, illumi and this butler grew closer and closer. the two spent most moments outside of illumi's training together, exploring the estate or sharing stories of missions and families. 

it was on one of these instances that silva happened upon the two young teenagers chatting in the mansion's library, illumi's favorite hiding place when it was too hot or rainy for digging a hole. the smell of the books grounded him almost as much as the smell of moist earth, and it covered up the constant coppery smell of blood quite well. as the two sat across from each other in plush chairs, silva opened the doors. the butler jumped, nearly as quick as illumi dodging a blade in training, and stuttered out a greeting. 

"silva sama, good evening," the butler said, while bowing deeply. 

"greetings," silva replied nonchalantly, choosing to turn his focus to illumi who was sitting perfectly still in his chair, trying to remain invisible. "illumi, what are you doing? i thought i told you earlier that you were to be ready for the mission before sunset," 

"sorry father, it slipped my mind. i apologize," illumi answered blankly, standing up to head to his room and prepare. 

"wait, illumi, i wasn't finished," illumi turned around to face silva, attempting to keep the fleeting emotions out of his eyes. he had been working for months on schooling his facial expressions through various degrees of pain and torture, but he hadn't quite mastered his eyes. they always seemed to show a bit of what he was feeling, no matter how hard he tried. his father sensed this.

"why were you chatting so amicably with a butler? their job is to take care of you from a business partnership standpoint, not to be your 'friend.' we have no need for that. please get rid of any feelings you may have towards that butler as quickly as possible," 

with silva's statement, the air in the room changed and illumi felt his blood run cold. while this wasn't as direct as his mother's "get rid of it," from many years ago, he understood the meaning immediately. 

"right away father. it won't happen again," illumi replied, trying his best to keep his voice steady and unchanging. as he approached the butler, no, as he approached his friend, the only one he'd ever known (and most likely ever will know), illumi felt everything slow down. with nails drawn, he advanced quickly towards his target, avoiding eye contact as he didn't wish to see the pained expression his now victim wore. 

just as the butler's heart was removed from his chest cavity with near perfect precision, the last bit of emotion drained from illumis eyes. 

he had no more problems in expression training after that. 

illumi zoldyck had a brother. 

he had multiple, actually, but his favorite was killua. with bright, passionate blue eyes and unruly white hair, he was the opposite of illumi in both appearance and demeanor. while illumi was a chronic rule follower and respected (feared?) his parents more than anything, killua was brave and had his own ambitions. 

ambitions that illumi was sure would get him into trouble eventually. so, he would protect him. that's what older brothers do, right? it's what family does. it's what his mother and father and grandfather did for him, and he will gladly continue the tradition with his killu. 

he taught killua to never make friends, because he'd end up killing or betraying them. 

he taught killua to run from unbeatable opponents, because you'll only cause trouble for yourself and others. 

he taught killua that familial responsibilities come first, before anything else, because you wouldn't be here without them, would you? 

illumi reminisced on all the things silva and kikyo had taught him, and compiled them in a section of his brain solely for use with the young heir. he was prepared. he would be the best older brother, and killua would love him. killua would be capable of love. 

but it backfired. 

"i hate you!" killua screamed. "you're the worst, illumi!" illumi's eyes widened, if that was even possible, since he seemed to be in a constant state of surprise after killua's sudden return to the mansion.

"why do you say that, killu? did i do something wrong?" 

"did you do something wrong? did you do anything right is the question!" ouch. "you've stood over me my entire life! you put me through hell as a child, you stalked me at the hunter exam and tried to kill my friend, you put a needle in my brain, and not to mention how you treat alluka. i hate you, aniki, and i'll never forgive you," killua finished, putting his hands in his pockets and turning away from illumi. 

somehow, illumi thought, it hurt more when killua called him aniki than when he called him by his name. 

illumi zoldyck didn’t need things. 

no pets, no friends, no little brothers. it was not in his nature to nurture anything; even the most resilient of plants would die at his hands. he was made for destruction, and the only way he received pleasure was through killing. 

but illumi wanted. 

for so long he wanted to hold cats and feed and take care of them. he wanted to have friends, at least a friend, to confide in and enlist for help when necessary. illumi wanted to show killua he loved him, more than anything, without making the younger hate him. 

illumi wanted, so, so much for so, so long, that he stopped wanting for things. illumi is content to kill, day after day. he's content to chase after killua only to be rejected, and he's content to pretend that hisoka isn't the closest thing he's had to a friend since that butler. he's content to be the perfect zoldyck assassin and keep his family in order, because he isn't allowed to want for anything. 

illumi zoldyck isn't allowed to have things.

**Author's Note:**

> hi again i hope u enjoyed ! pls leave kudos and comments if u want and my twt @ is illuchan as well if u want to talk abt hxh w me :0


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